It was about 10 years ago, The first time any law enforcement became involved in the domestic violence in my marriage. It was my husbands second year in the military. Me and my husband got into a fight over his phone. The incident ended with me calling 911 after he kicked and stomped me until I was bruised up pretty bad. We were taken into custody where the military police questioned us both. I was so afraid. I had never reported the domestic violence before that day. It was at the police station where I was informed that our next door neighbor had been questioned. My neighbor told the police that she never witnessed anything physical but that she often heard someone screaming for help. She said that she just hoped there were no children in our home.

I was able to go home alone a couple of hours later. I refused to be examined by a medic. Sadly, I was afraid of getting my husband in any more trouble. If the police saw my injuries things would be much worse,  I thought. I regretted calling 911. I felt guilty. I believed everything was my fault, maybe if I hadn't called him out  about what I found in his phone then maybe he wouldn't have become so angry. I felt like I needed to protect him. After all, it was me and him against the world right?

My husbands command issued a No-Contact Order that was supposed to last 30 days. My husband wasn't allowed to contact me. Within 24 hours I received a phone call from a friend of ours asking me was I okay. He said that my husband asked him to call me. He told me that my husband said, "Sorry". Over the next few days my husband used this friend to relay messages to me. He even called me from his friends phone after a week. He told me that he could get an Article 15 and get kicked out of the military if he is found guilty for assaulting me. It was then that he let me know how sorry he was and how much he wanted to make things right. He said that he was going to get counseling and wanted me to join him. I told him how sorry I was for my part in all of it. Within 2 weeks I was contacted by someone at Family Advocacy on base. She offered me an appointment time to meet and talk about the incident. This very nice lady was a counselor of some sort. We met and she informed me that I didn't have to talk to her if I didn't want to. She shared with me that she had spoken to my husband prior to my visit. She asked me had I spoken to him since the incident. I lied and told her that I hadn't spoken to him, in fear that I would make things worse. She encouraged me to attend a counseling session with him if I felt safe. She said that counseling might help save his career and our marriage. At that point I felt so guilty. I agreed to do a counseling session with him. She scheduled an appointment for the next day.

The next day I made it to the Family Advocacy appointment about 15 minutes early. I was nervous and afraid to see my husband. The counselor asked me was I still sure about meeting with my husband before she brought him into her office. I told her that I was ready. My husband walked into the office and gave me a hug. He whispered in my ear, "I'm so sorry."  We both sat down. I only remember a few things from that session. We were informed that the No-Contact order would be lifted within 24 hours if she reported to my husbands command that our session was successful. My husband and I informed her that we did want to try to make our marriage work. I would later learn that the goal was to salvage his military career and the continued abuse I would suffer was just collateral damage.

We had a several more counseling sessions with our counselor at Family Advocacy. I was amazed at just how charming my husband could be. Our counselor seemed to focus more on my issues than the abuse I had suffered. She introduced a book to me. The book was Codependent No More By Melody Beattie. Over the next month my husband and I did individual counseling as well as sessions together. I didn't know it then but this book would change my life.

Codependency was a new word for me. As I read Codependent No More I felt like I was reading a journal of my life. I felt sad, angry and disappointed in myself.   Reading the book was difficult at first because it seemed to point out all of my flaws. What I thought were  positive qualities I possessed seemed to be looked upon in a negative light. It would be years before I could really appreciate the pearls of wisdom in this wonderful book. In Chapter 4 of Codependent No More the author lays out the characteristics of a Codependent person. Here's a list of a few characteristics that really hit home.

Codependents may:

  • think and feel responsible for other people-for other peoples feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny
  • feel compelled-almost forced- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings
  • anticipate other people's needs
  • try to please others instead of themselves
  • feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used
  • blame themselves for everything
  • fear rejection
  • have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment or alcoholism
  • believe they don't deserve good things and happiness
  • try to prove they are good enough for other people
  • eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger
I was 21 years old. Miles away from any friends or family. I was in an abusive relationship. I was given this gem of a tool in Codependent No More but I couldn't even wrap my head around codependency at the time. I would stay with my husband.  I would say whatever I had to say to save his military career and save our marriage. It would be another 10 plus years before I would ultimately finish this book and leave my toxic marriage to my Narcissistic husband once and for all.